209 Comments
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Henry C.'s avatar

Nurse, get this patient to the burn unit, STAT!

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Jeff H's avatar

Reader feedback: I really enjoy these little detours, Jack. Keep them coming... and please let Arellano know I think he does fantastic work...

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TangoWhiskey's avatar

I feel like Barry needs a Stig like introduction. Some people say he writes a crappy weekly article for an automotive lifestyle brand. Others say his wife wears the pants in the family. All we know is he’s called The Simp

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Jack Baruth's avatar

His wife wears the pants, so he can wear the shorts!

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Ark-med's avatar

Got him pegged, so to speak.

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AK47isthetool's avatar

Some say he is not the father of his children, but paternity tests will not be widely available until 1988 so we will have to wait until then to find out. All we know is...

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Erik's avatar

Man, those fastbacks looked awful. To be honest, if Caddy had done an earlier Cimarron based on that platform, I think they would have done the notchbacks instead.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I always liked them, but I know I'm in the minority.

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Erik's avatar

It's funny. I've always liked pretty well everything better in a fastback. Except for these.

I do wonder what Cadillac could have done with this platform, some time and some money. The J car was just a bad idea, forced on them when X Car sales took off more than expected. An X car based Cimarron would have likely been far better accepted in the market. Not that sales would have necessarily been better, as Cimarron sales were pretty solid anyway. But it likely would not have made Cadillac the laughing stock it became.

Sadly, the X Car doesn't get the credit anymore that it deserves. It was a great platform, perfect for the time it was released. The 2.8 was a great little engine, with the best V6 exhaust note this side of a Busso. Some of the X-11s and T Types actually drove very nicely. The 6000 STE was actually a very nice car. A little more development could have changed automotive history dramatically.

It's amazing what GM managed to do in just a few short years. Every car on a new platform. New engines and transmissions everywhere. Basically, every product completely redesigned. It was an incredible effort, and it came very close to succeeding. But even the General at its peak power didn't have the engineering resources to do all of it.

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Sir Morris Leyland's avatar

All done at roughly the same time that the US had 3 competing commercial airliner companies and a large number of computer companies all making rapid advances. The demand for engineers must have seemed insatiable, but, interestingly enough, the H1-B program was not created until 1990.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

It was a less enlightened era, where we did not truly understand the necessity of making the bottom 99% eat dogshit at every opportunity.

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Kurt's avatar

A lot of well-said points here. I own both a Citation and a FWD Century, having grown up with all these cars around and largely decent experiences with them I figure why not?

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I have a genuine and unfeigned love of Citations.

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Christo's avatar

I wrote a sonnet to the Citation (It was a class assignment) and it was printed in my high school literary magazine.

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J.D. Ellis's avatar

From a cost of operation standpoint, I appreciated the mediocre braking system passed down to my N-body Calais. Stopped just as "adequately" on bespoke $150 Carbotech pads as $7 wholesale Wagners.

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Ronnie Schreiber's avatar

How much personal experience do you have with the Citation and it's X platform mates? I drove the Pontiac version for a while and frankly I have fonder memories of the Austin America my dad bought that was a long term loaner (about equal in build quality but the Austin, essentially slightly larger Mini, was at least fun to drive). I'm no fan of cliched 10 Worst Cars lists but the Citation belongs on them. Perhaps the most poorly executed cars GM ever made, maybe the most poorly executed postwar American cars period (though I admittedly wasn't around in the '50s when there was literally tons of dreck). Besides smog-controlled engines that ran like crap, stalling in intersections and dieseling when you tried to shut them off and barely adequate brakes there were all sorts of "engineering by afterthought" touches all over the cars, like having to remove a strut brace (which they shouldn't have needed if they hadn't cheapened out on the unibody) to change a battery. Truly GM's nadir, at least in terms of vehicle quality.

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Fat Baby Driver's avatar

My mother drove an x-body Buick Skylark in the early 80s. If she turned left too hard the engine would stall.

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Dan's avatar

BMW has entered the chat with single use fasteners on the strut braces

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sgeffe's avatar

The A-Bodies, descended from the X-es, were better, but it was still feast or famine, with some examples eliciting a fond respect, while others (like my Dad’s 1986 Century) turned lifelong GM buyers to the Japanese competition.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I haven't driven one in 25 years.

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J.D. Ellis's avatar

I will always have a soft spot for them having been asked to Homecoming junior year by a hopelessly out-of-my-league senior girl that drove a hand-me-down Olds version in dog log brown.

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Ross McLaughlin's avatar

I love these and Abimelec's work. Please keep pumping these out. I will say - it would've been even cooler to see a Cimarron out of Cadillac's golden age. I want to see a sporty compact...with fins!

The Saab mention got me thinking as well - how about a What If? featuring the 2023 Saab 9-3? Saab remains successful by being the only European brand to continue producing and selling....sporty European cars.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Brilliant idea.

This is not ALWAYS the case, but I think of What If? as a way to tell stories about a world that is just a little bit better and braver than our own, and this fits well.

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Sir Morris Leyland's avatar

Also, the instrumentation should be an order of magnitude less distracting and more useful than comparable cars:

* Traditional analog instruments and knobs/buttons; no white LEDs or screens in the main cluster

* World-leading HUD/HGS/EFVS which can be enabled / disabled though a steering wheel switch

* Whatever "infotainment" exists will be based on open standards and fully upgradable

Gratuitous references to the T-7A project would be most welcome.

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Sir Morris Leyland's avatar

As long as there is a hatchback option. If there is a 6 cylinder, it needs to be inline or flat, not V.

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Sir Morris Leyland's avatar

Last comment: the EFVS should look functional and tasteful: designed by aeronautical Human Factors engineers working classically-trained artists, none of whom have ever been exposed to a modern video game.

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Sir Morris Leyland's avatar

1) On the corporate side, what about: VW's purchase of Scania and Porsche's purchase of VW fall through. Porsche ends up buying a majority of Scania & Saab Automobile and Saab AB buys a small stake.

2) If it helps, the Saab typeface is Gill Sans.

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Joe griffin's avatar

Why does none of this seem like fiction?......

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Well, I was going to have GEICO pay big bucks for one of the Fifties "sock hop" car shows that were omnipresent in 1977, but not even in fiction would an insurance company be stupid enough to buy a car show that literally has an expiration date at which point all of its cars will be in "regular" car shows... right? That wood be sad.

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Ross McLaughlin's avatar

ChatGPT tells me such a car show would be called "Rockwood" or "Sockwood" - not that anything like this would happen except in an alternate timeline.

I prefer "Cockwood" personally

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Jack Baruth's avatar

A lot of the people who create shows like that prefer cockwood, not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Ark-med's avatar

Cuckwood

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Ronnie Schreiber's avatar

How about a car show that features just cars with some kind of fake wood, either exterior or interior? Call it WoodWood. Late '50s Ford and Mercury wagons had really impressive fake wood.

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Joe griffin's avatar

Too funny

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Harry's avatar

I want one?

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Jack Baruth's avatar

With the 3.8 Turbo and a five-speed it would have been a 3-series KILLER.

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Ross McLaughlin's avatar

Would get thwopped by the E30 once it comes out but it definitely seems like a good competitor to the E21.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Don't forget that the E30 arrived with an eight-valve 1.8 and didn't even get the eta 2.7 until the middle of the 1984 model year. The 325e wouldn't have been any faster than an injected 3.8 turbo would have been in 1979... and by 1984 they had 210 horsepower. Imagine a stick-shift Grand National in the lighter aeroback body. You'd have needed an M5 to keep pace with the thing.

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Erik's avatar

It's funny looking back, but GM was really on a roll then. The T- Types were really fun cars. The 82 F-Bodies were huge leaps forward. The C4 Corvette. Thr Fiero. The Eldo and Seville. The V8-6-4. The Riv and Toronado. And yes, the X'es, A's and Js. Some great cars and great potential. If only GM had given them 6 months more development each. GM could have single handedly driven back Japanese invasion. Imagine if all 1.1 million 1980 X Body customers had been content with their purchases? The brake recall had never happened. We would have had A very different GM and USA.

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Ross McLaughlin's avatar

My god...I never realized how little power the early 318s had until I just checked wikipedia. 103 hp in the early 80s. I'm not sure why my brain figured they always had later 318is levels of power (134hp).

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I worked for a BMW dealer when the 318is arrived and you could hear the customers smiling all the way back in parts. That was a hell of a car. But the first Aeroback Turbos had 165 horsepower and still would have given them a run in an alt-universe where BMW and Buick both brought their best to the table.

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Todd Zuercher's avatar

I've owned 3 318is' - love 'em. Sold my last one because the wife was making noises about how "unsafe" it was. Sold it to a co-worker who did a lot of work on it and it's probably worth about 5X what I sold it to him for in '19.

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Mar 15, 2023
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Jack Baruth's avatar

I removed a paragraph to that effect... can't sail too close to the severance wind.

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Ronnie Schreiber's avatar

It's important to give credit where credit is due and Senior did sign off on them, but if I recall correctly, the amount of money allocated to the Grand National and GNX programs was pretty much the GM equivalent to finding loose change under the couch cushions.

I don't have a lot of movies on disc, but Black Air is one of the documentaries that I own. I'd be interested to hear the opinion on that film by someone who isn't a car person. I think it's a great documentary in general.

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Henry C.'s avatar

I just watched it and was fairly disappointed. I was hoping for more in the weeds technical info or inside gossip on how it got greenlit. It was more of a nostalgia piece. "This is my GN and it's awesome and I never/almost never drive it. This is a car show with lots of GNs and fans of it. Here's some guys from Car and Steerer colorfully describing what their test drivers found."

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Erik's avatar

Finding out those fun stories takes real, hardcore journalisming. Not something too many want to get into nowadays.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Which is why Collectible Automobile is such a precious resource. They do all the research and get all the stories.

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Erik's avatar

Black Air? What's that?

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Ice Age's avatar

The Buick Grand National. The Jules Winnfield of automobiles.

It's big. It's black. It's a bad motherfucker.

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silentsod's avatar

"We’re going to hire the dumbest executives possible, at least two of whom will be no taller than five foot seven"

There's hope for me yet.

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

Jesus Jack, did you leave any salt in the ocean on this one?

I love it.

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sgeffe's avatar

My guess is that this rides the line of an..ahem..NDA or three, considering the remark elsewhere in the comments! 😉

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John Van Stry's avatar

I hated the way those looked.

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MD Streeter's avatar

If I read that article right, and I believe I did, those things were NOT actually hatchbacks. That is shocking to me that they would inflict that shape upon us all and have no truth to the styling. I wasn't a fan before, I dislike them even more now.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

It's understandable in historical context. GM saw that fastbacks were becoming mandatory in Europe, but they thought that customers would balk at the size and NVH issues of a hatchback in a mid-sizer. So they did the look without the function.

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Mar 15, 2023
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Jack Baruth's avatar

My grandmother drove a 1976 Salon coupe in silver with maroon interior. It was simply wonderful.

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Mar 15, 2023
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Jack Baruth's avatar

My mom had a 403-powered '77 Cutlass Supreme. Dad drove a 1977 LeSabre Custom company car. Then he went to a 1981 Century wagon. That was a bit of a comedown, to be honest.

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sgeffe's avatar

I was surprised when I realized that the top-dawg Colonnade Cutlass was the Salon! It sure as hell wasn’t after 1978, although you could get a Salon Brougham with the interior of the notchback Supreme coupe, plus the chrome rocker molding outside.

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Mar 16, 2023
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sgeffe's avatar

Oldsmobile could have put the Cutlass name on a Kozy Koupe in the 1970s and ’80s, and they wouldn’t have been able to keep them in stock! It really is weird how fast they fell!

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John Van Stry's avatar

No they weren't hatchbacks. It's all of the disadvantages with all of the ugly looks.

I know they were aiming for a 'fastback' look, but they should have been looking at Capris' instead of pintos and gremlins.

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Ice Age's avatar

They have a very British Leyland feel to them, aesthetically. Awkward and half-assed.

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Pete Madsen's avatar

I drove a Buick 2-door in that configuration with a 5-speed. I was accustomed to Chrysler products with 4-speeds, and the Buick felt to me like an S-10. In the words of a guy who tried to sell a big Dodge truck to my father many years before, "It don't have any power but it's got lots of gears..." It didn't help that the Buick was very nearly the same pale metallic green that Boeing was using at the time on company cars and trucks.

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Ice Age's avatar

I hate GEICO. With the sole exception of the gecko, all their ad campaigns have been skin-crawlingly obnoxious and cutesy-poo, like dad jokes mixed with Full House.

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JMcG's avatar

I enjoyed the perpetually put-upon Neanderthals.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Little did I know that would one day be my life.

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silentsod's avatar

I believe you have called yourself Neanderthal of face (or cro-magnon?), how could you be surprised?

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I am too paranoid to let a company test my DNA but I have to be like 8 percent Neanderthal.

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sgeffe's avatar

😂😂

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Ice Age's avatar

I particularly enjoyed this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FyS94N7M5A

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gt's avatar

The more I learn about it, the more I like the 1st gen Seville. I didn't realize until very recently that it was priced ABOVE most of Cadillac's own fullsize cars. We always hear about how Americans buy car by the pound, and I'm sure many Caddy loyalists were unimpressed, but it was a smashing success by all accounts. I think they look really good. Lincoln tried to get in on the grift with a Granada based Versailles (*vomit*). GM's re-styling of a disco-Nova was dramatically more successful than Ford's "Granada with a continental kit" IMO. Clean 1st gen Sevilles have gotten increasingly pricey too. The later bustlebacks are a love-it-or-hate-it.... I'm not a huge fan.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I just finished writing about the Versailles for a freelance customer. It was a late and sloppy response to the Seville, but it debuted a lot of Detroit firsts, from clearcoat paint and halogen headlamps to a unique post-assembly testing regimen patterned after what was being doing overseas.

And did I mention that it had FORGED ALUMINUM WHEELS, standard? And that it beat the Seville in every performance metric?

What I'm getting at: worse looking, better car.

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Todd Zuercher's avatar

And rear disc brakes which were the envy of the Mustang retrofit crowd for years. In all of my years of junkyard crawling, I've never found a Versailles rear end.

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Erik's avatar

And, the 79-81 Trans Am got rear discs thanks to the work done on the Seville.

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Ice Age's avatar

No, the magazines all beat you to 'em.

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gt's avatar

One of my favorite car youtubers, Bill just did a Versailles review with a very good history/background on the Seville/Versailles. God bless this crotchety old boozed up Jewish guy, such a breath of fresh air after those freaks Demuro and Hoovie, etc:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aeHiRHLcww

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Erik's avatar

Good to know. Somehow the algorithm didn't share that with me. Hopefully, he wasn't attacked by any birds during filming. Or bothered by any pesky Canadians.

I never could stand DeMuro - he just seems to willfully misunderstand things just for a cheap laugh. I did use to love Hoovies show, but nothing is more boring then another YouTuber playing with exotics. Vice Grip Garage has now replaced Hoovie in my YouTube time allotment.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I've come to believe that YouTube is an indispensable resource for FIXING cars, and utterly worthless when it comes to ENJOYING them.

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Ice Age's avatar

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do an expose on DeMuro!

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I've held off because I had a friend who was being considered to run the marketing operations at Cars and Bids. Now that she's doing something else I might be able to rap about it a bit.

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sgeffe's avatar

I enjoy all of the “Wichita car mafia” channels, but Derek’s channel is also required viewing for a guy! 😂 The Illinois guy, Scott, who pieces together salvaged vehicles to better-than-fact’ry, vehcor, is also a riot! As are Junkyard Digs, Dylan McCool, and the spinoffs from those two!

And yes, I do appreciate Bill’s videos from Florida every so-often. (A shot of whiskey to keep the ‘Rona at bay?! Why the fuck not?!)

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J.D. Ellis's avatar

DeMuro seems to have at least spent a couple semesters at the Jordan Taylor School of SO WACKY.

"I took my RHD Skyline through a drive-thru, what hijinks will ensue? How could we ever guess..."

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Jordan and Danny Ric both grate on me.

Do your fuckin' job and stop clowning. That Road Atlanta restart is a good example of clown-like behavior both inside and outside social media.

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J.D. Ellis's avatar

I have a low tolerance for cringe humor, so maybe the problem's me, as noted by 21st century pop sociologist T. Swift.

Doesn't help that Jordan is catering to the, ahem, weirder aspects of sporty car fandom.

And I'm saying that as someone that doesn't take himself overly seriously professionally.

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Ice Age's avatar

Didn't he take a Miura to CarMax to see what they'd give him for it?

Nothing gimmicky about that...

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Erik's avatar

Amazingly, ASCs tweaking dramatically improved the Versailles, both functionally and cosmetically. I think the car would have been much more successful if it had been launched that way.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

ABSOLUTELY.

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sgeffe's avatar

Was that the extended wheelbase version, or just what was done with the top?

Link your story here..inquiring minds, etc., etc.!

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Erik's avatar

Jack, where do we get to read your Versailles article?

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I'll link it when it's up... I've been doing a fair amount of stuff as white label or "staff" for companies that just want the content minus the notoriety.

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redlineblue's avatar

God's gift (to ballroom impropriety).

That's gotta be an interesting conversation, on both sides of the table. "There's something about your product and we want to be associated with that thing-- absent an association you as such."

"Okay. Five grand for the thing, and five grand to pretend you can make it yourself."

"Let me go run that past my manager..."

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Take a zero off it, and you have the idea!

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sgeffe's avatar

Hey..pays to keep gas in the vehicles for now, right?!

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MaintenanceCosts's avatar

I agree - I think the 1st-gen Seville is the single best expression of the boxy late '70s early '80s GM aesthetic. Clean and well-proportioned.

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Erik's avatar

They take a lot of slack as just being reskinned Novas, but that really isn't the case. The guys at Cadillac did a lot of engineering to turn that platform into a real Cadillac. Even got its own designation as the K Body. While structural rigidity wasn't a thing yet, and that big hinge at the firewall where the front subframe connected was never good, the whole platform was successful. Typical of the time, GM engines and transmissions were smooth and bulletproof. GM HVAC led the world. The GM parts bin was deep with good quality parts. Yeah, stupid things like the Vega were starting to happen, but there was still a reason why GM was the biggest carmaker in the world.

The Sheer Look Seville design was certainly one of Mitchell's greatest works. Sadly, they continued that design language continued at least 5 years too long. But Mitchell was gone by then, and Rybiki wasn't half the man, though apparently a much nicer guy.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Edgy opinion: the 1977 Impala is the same design with much better proportions.

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unsafe release's avatar

Made a great looking cop car, but the two door version looked awkward.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I love the glassback Caprices and the non-formal-roof coupes. The later models didn't quite have the same visual magic.

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Mar 17, 2023
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Jack Baruth's avatar

At the time I thought the apex B-body was the late Caprice Classic sedan with formal roof. Now I think it's the early glassback Impala Coupe.

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Kurt's avatar

Good one! I enjoyed many of these entries, particularly the one about the “what if?” ‘69 or so Escalade. Also, nice touch on the added “advertisements.” Side note, those fastback coupes with a trunk were odd but the Century Turbo Sport Coupe is one I’d have.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I believe there is an ACF reader with a Century Turbo aeroback!

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Kurt's avatar

There is one currently on Bring A Trailer!

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Goss’ Garbage's avatar

Currently at $3,600 with 4 hours to go

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Erik's avatar

While I’m not a fan of the Aerobacks in general, the two door Century Turbo actually works aesthetically.

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Don Curton's avatar

Jeez, did Geico deny your claim or something? Harsh. But probably true.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I have never had any dealings with Geico whatsoever! Just creating an alternate universe where an insurance company could be stupid enough to do all those things. Couldn't happen in real life!

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PaulyG's avatar

Lots of acquisitions to cover up weak underlying business. A forward P/E of 168 based off of analyst projections, negative historic EBITDA with a promise of a significant increase in the upcoming year. hmmmmmm.....

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sgeffe's avatar

Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge! Mallet to the groin! 😬😂

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NoID's avatar

Forget a shot across the bow, Jack just took so many close shots that he completely outlined his target in negative space.

Which was clearly the intent.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Never stop deriving that opinion! ;)

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Ark-med's avatar

ISWYDT

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Phil's avatar

Entertaining for sure. When I first saw the headline I pictured something more along the H body Monza Town Coupe (or even fastback) sized mockup of a Cimarron for 78. I guess they kinda did have a Cimarron in 78, it was just called Seville (I'm a fan of that gen or Seville so I'm very tongue in cheek with that comment).

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unsafe release's avatar

I always liked the look of the Seville. Had a muscular hunkered down kinda look with the wheels and tires protruding just a bit from the fenders. One of our neighbours had one and it was pretty sweet in silver with chrome spoke wheels.

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