What If? 1978 Cadillac Cimarron

Featuring Abimelec Arellano!

Housekeeping: A few years ago I saw the conceptual work of Abimelec Arellano, a 20-year-old digital artist living in Mexico, and I immediately hired him for a series of about fifty imaginative articles called What If? in which he did the pictures and I did the words. Some of them were big hits and some of them were just self-indulgent silliness. After my departure the company didn’t continue the relationship and A.A. went to Engine Fad, I mean, Motor Trend. This is the second time I’ve asked him to pitch in at ACF; you can find the first one here. Enjoy this What If? piece, which like all other What If? pieces is completely fictional and not meant to refer to any particular company, entity, or person.

(Originally published in GEICO Steerers Clique magazine, August 1977 issue)

You’ve probably noticed some big changes in the magazine you’re holding in your hands, haven’t you? Until last month, it was called GEICO Insurance Customers Fiduciary Report, and it was filled with fuddy-duddy stuff. No longer! Your friends at GEICO are no longer just an insurance company. This is 1977, and now we’re a luxury automotive lifestyle brand! So the magazine is now called the GEICO Steerers Clique. Did you know you were a member of the Steerers Clique? Well, we did a sneaky little thing. This year, every GEICO customer who called our service center to start or renew coverage was automatically added to the Steerers Clique at a cost of just $99, unless they said the secret phrase “Beware the leopard who hunts at noon, open the seventh seal, hear the mandrake scream, and exclude me from the GSC.” A lot of you forgot the part about the mandrake, which is why you got charged. We know you’ll love it anyway.

Since we’re a luxury automotive lifestyle brand, you can expect that we will do a lot more than just insurance. We’re going to buy a bunch of stuff we don’t understand, then lose money on all it while infuriating everyone involved. We’re going to hire the dumbest executives possible, at least two of whom will be no taller than five foot seven and will also be suspiciously indistinguishable from toads with Mohawk haircuts, then pay them whatever it takes to run this company into the ground. (Another one will just sulk and stare at the ground in all of our meetings, while conspicuously failing to meet every single one of his objectives. He’s gonna do great!) We hear computers are big, so we are going to spend at least $100 million making “floppy discs” for the “Apple Two”, whatever that is. If all goes according to plan, we should be laying people off before the end of the year and reducing the average employee bonus payout to fifty percent of normal by the spring of 1978.

But what about GSC, the magazine you’re holding in your hands? Well, GEICO hired me, Barry Simpson, to shake things up. I’m the new boss in town. No need to refer to me as “Mr. Simpson”… Just call me “The Simp”! Everybody else does, behind my back anyway. In the weeks to come, I’ll be printing out thousands of photos of me without a shirt on and with my shorts pulled suggestively down, then mailing one to each of our subscribers. Why would I do this? Even I don’t know! Maybe I’m just trying to get “oriented” at my new job! They promised me an “orientation”, but so far I’ve just been hanging out with this nice old lady who runs the HR department, and she is whiter than the skin around my nipples, as you will soon be able to verify for yourself, when you get my letter!

Alright, enough about Barry, as my wife likes to say. Let’s get talking about the new-for-1978 mid-sized Cadillac. They’re calling it the Cimarron.

Two years ago, the Standard Of The World introduced the “international-sized” Seville. Based loosely on the compact Nova, the Seville had razor-edge styling and a full list of luxury equipment in a package that was more than two feet shorter than the Calais and de Ville of the day. It was also expensive. Like, really expensive. More than the Eldorado, and nearly as much as a Mercedes 240D with the automatic transmission and A/C that came standard on every Seville.

Turns out there’s a serious market for a Cadillac that you can park without the assistance of a harbor captain; the Seville has sold about 45,000 copies in each of the past two years. Last year, however, the standard-sized Cadillacs took a thousand-pound and thirteen-inch haircut while retaining every single bit of interior space. It was something darned close to magic. It also significantly narrowed the gap in size and maneuverability between the Seville and its “full-sized” cousins.

ADVERTISEMENT: GEICO NOW OWNS THE RED BALL GARAGE IN NEW YORK CITY. TO COMPLY WITH OUR CORPORATE VISUAL BRANDING, IT’S NOW THE BLUE BALL GARAGE! JOIN TODAY! WE SERVICE YOU RIGHT HERE WITH BLUE BALL!

Next year, the Seville will transition to a new-generation front-wheel-drive platform to be shared with a downsized Eldorado. Which means there’s room for a newly “international-sized” RWD Cadillac with a focus on enthusiastic driving dynamics and fuel economy. The latter is starting to be really important, as President Carter keeps taking a beating from the Arabs over there in… uh, Arabia.

This year, General Motors is debuting a new A-body mid-sizer. Not a moment too soon, because people were starting to notice that the 1977 “mid-size” cars were almost as big as the 1977 “full-size” cars. This round of downsizing restores the differences; most A-bodies will be about 196 inches long, an inch or two narrower, and perhaps 800 pounds lighter. As you’d expect, there will be four-door sedans available at Chevrolet, Pontiac, Buick, and Oldsmobile. Chevrolet and Pontiac will get a two-door sedan with a sleek roofline and full glass; Buick and Oldsmobile will get formal-roofed coupes with thick C-pillars and vertical rear glass. All four divisions will have a wagon with common rear styling.

Until about eighteen months ago, Buick and Oldsmobile were also going to get a fascinating “Aeroback” sedan in three-and-five-door variants. It looked like a hatchback, but it wasn’t; instead, it was simply a sedan with a wind-cheating, truncated trunk, so to speak. But when Cadillac dealers demanded a fuel-efficient mid-size sedan to retain customers who would otherwise be trading in their Fleetwoods for Saabs and Benzes, GM took rapid action. The Cutlass and Century were introduced as conventional sedans, and the Aeroback was reassigned for duty with an entirely new kind of Cadillac.

ADVERTISEMENT: SHOW YOUR PRIDE IN THE GSC WITH OUR WIDE ARRAY OF TONE-DEAF APPAREL, LIKE THIS FUNKY T-SHIRT THAT SHOWS A DRAWING OF DISGRACED PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON WITH THE CAPTION “YOU WON’T GET DICK IN OUR CLIQUE!”

As with the Seville, the Cimarron is priced to impress, rather than entice. The MSRP is less than the Seville and Eldorado but more than a base de Ville. Standard equipment includes power windows and locks, air conditioning, full velour interior, Twilight Sentinel headlamps, and wire wheel covers. The 3.8-liter Buick V-6 is paired with a three-speed automatic transmission. Both two- and four-door variants are available.

For fuel-conscious owners who want a more “Euro” experience, Cadillac offers the Cimarron Touring Six Cylinder - Very Economical, or CT5-V, as shown above. It’s the debut for a new 60-degree, family of V-6 engines from General Motors. Making 105 horsepower at a 2.8-litre displacement, it’s nearly as powerful as the base engine while consuming much less fuel. It’s paired with a five-speed manual — but that’s not the best part. The doors, hood, and decklid of this special two-door model are rendered in aluminum through a partnership with Alcoa. This, combined with forged aluminum wheels, gets the CT5-V below the 3000-pound mark, all the way down to 2,880 pounds. The EPA rates this car at an astounding 40 highway miles per gallon.

ADVERTISEMENT: GEICO HAS PARTNERED WITH THE SCCA! HOWEVER, WE WILL CANCEL YOUR INSURANCE IF YOU RACE YOUR CAR! NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, YOU CANNOT SAY YOU WERE NOT WARNED! TRY RACING TODAY!

As an experienced racer who never races anything but vintage cars out of class, I was eager to get my hands on the CT5-V and see what it could do. I can repeat that it handles exceptionally well, thanks to 14-inch Goodyear Eagle tires and an “F41” suspension package that comes standard. The combination of a 5-speed manual transmission on the floor, a fourteen-inch-long shift lever, and a traditional Cadillac bench seat is an uncomfortable one, but I’ve worked some big sticks in my time and I eventually got used to it.

Like the Seville, the Cimarron has four-wheel disc brakes with proportion valving, making for short and safe stops with very little fade in three consecutive runs from 60 to 0. The CT5-V model is not quite “Cadillac quiet” inside — some of the weight loss comes from sound insulation that is present in a standard Cimarron — but it is no louder than a Volvo or Saab.

Is it a good car? Well, now that GEICO has partnered with General Motors to place ads in every issues of Geico Steerers Clique, I would have to say yes! You should buy one immediately, and insure it with us, as long as you’re a white man over the age of seventy-three! This is “The Simp”, signing off until next time!

ADVERTISEMENT: EXCLUSIVE TO MEMBERS OF THE GEICO STEERER CLIQUE, A NEW BOOK BY OUR CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER, TITLED “THERE HAVE BEEN NO BOUNDS TO MY STUPIDITY”! READ THE STORY OF HOW OUR LEADERSHIP MANAGED TO LOSE MONEY IN A BUSINESS WHERE YOUR PROFITS ARE LITERALLY GUARANTEED BY GOVERNMENT REGULATION! GET YOUR SIGNED EDITION NOW! FEATURING A FOREWORD BY JAY LENO, A RELATIVELY UNKNOWN ACTOR WHO JUST APPEARED IN AN EPISODE OF “GOOD TIMES”!