Ask Jack: I Shall Be Avenged?

All readers welcome

A bit of background here: I have a fair amount of experience with the Chrysler JS platform cars, almost all of it with the mid-cycle refresh vehicles that debuted for the 2011 model year. I attended the press preview event in 2010 and talked to Ralph Gilles about these significantly improved versions. As I recall, there was a reasonable amount of money available to turn the Sebring into the 200, and they used that to improve the Avenger as well. I once drove a rental Pentastar Avenger around Gingerman, where it proved to be faster than most of the LeMons cars practicing that day. I also spent the first two months of 2014 in a rental 200 4-cylinder. A couple of days ago, reader Drksd4848 contacted me to talk about his Pentastar Avenger SE. I don’t have any money right now, and I definitely don’t need another car, but… well, just read it!

Drksd4848 writes: “I have a bit of a conundrum regarding my 2012 Dodge Avenger R/T with 142,000 miles. It has a very ballsy Corsa sport exhaust, a Mopar CAI, and a Diablotuner. When the tune is on the car it will run 0-60 south of the 6.0 second mark. My best was a 5.7 second scoot. The tune is NOT on the car now; I wouldn’t dare put it on. And I’m not sure having it on in the first place did it any good. The Avenger had been reasonably reliable for the first ninety to 100,000 miles, after which it shredded it’s 62TE (six-speed automatic). It was rebuilt twice, then replaced.

It has been all downhill since:

• Both the Oil pressure sensor and the oil cooler failed. Both were replaced. Now the sensor is failing... again. P06DD. It is preventing me from renewing the New York State inspection.

• The thermostat failed twice. First one replaced by the dealer, next one replaced by me on the side of the road.

• The odometer intermittently vanishes and the temperature and gas gauge stop working. I replaced all of the fuses; it makes no difference. Strangely enough, after a period of time, the odometer display returns and the gauges magically start working again. And then disappear... again. Rinse, repeat. It might be a wonky Totally Integrated Power Control Module.

• The rear struts are worn out, but that’s not a failure, just a simple replacement. I’m having a hard time sourcing the correct sport suspension struts however. Once I have them, I will do that job.

• There is a parasitic drain on the battery. I have not figured out the source of that problem yet, but I’m beginning to believe it is because of a faulty blend door actuator that continuously runs. You see, for some reason, the blend door keeps functioning while the car is off. Now that it’s broken, it rotates around the sprocket(?) and makes a rat-ta-tat-tat sound for a good 30 seconds at a time. I have replaced it four (MOTHER @$##@!) times over the lifetime of the car. I have lost to the will to replace it for a (@$$@#!!!) fifth time.

• Also, last spring, after spending years parking it in the “no scratch zone” - meaning away from every other jerk-wagon in a parking lot who would swing their door into my Avenger’s door - my youngest son attempted to hurl a grated closet shelf into a dumpster and instead, chucked it straight into the passenger side door. It left a nice little scratch and dent.

There is some good:

• it has brand new front struts

• and a fresh set of Goodyear LS2s

Two summers ago, during a period of reliability¹, I was offered $3000 for it but I was greedy; I wanted $5000. This was an R/T Avenger. They didn’t make many of them. Plus it had some... modifications.

Now I’m at my wits end: When it runs, I’m fond of it. When it gives me problems, it frustrates me to no end. I would like to be my “mechanic’s car” but I just don’t have the time to turn a wrench on it. Also, it’s a bit more complicated to work on and a lot less forgiving than my Neon was. One screw-up and I have a 3600lbs paperweight on the back of a flat bed. Every time my wife sees it, it infuriates her. This has caused some tension.

originally, this was the reader’s wife and child, but i don’t trust any of you

I still wish I could have it as a third car, but it has exhausted me to no end.

Jack, you had mentioned that you have an inordinate amount of affection for these cars. What would you do with it? Or, what should I do?”

Well, alright! Let’s start by admitting that I have a demonstrated willingness to suffer if it keeps a Japanese-ish four-door V-6 sedan of utterly generic identity on the road. I’ve done some research on how much all the required parts are likely to cost; there’s $500 or so in the TIPM, OPS, blend door, and thermostat. The toughest job is the OPS, which requires a full removal of the intake. Still, all of this is well within my ability as a trash-level mechanic.

I don’t know the best way to handle the struts — I don’t see R/T OEM replacements out there. Realistically speaking, maybe this car needs KYB strut/springs all around, which would be about $700 plus some hassle. Or maybe just put them in the rear, leave the factory struts up front, and deal with the resulting understeer tendencies on track; that’s a $300 job, give or take.

So I see this Avenger as something that is about a thousand dollars and a long weekend in the shop (at my quite placid speed of repair) to be a usable vehicle. If someone dropped it in my driveway and ran away, I’d fix it up and drive it until something caught on fire. As I recall, the worst part about the car is the seats. I could swap in the much better seats from a Chrysler 200, since this is an R/T and should have power harnesses to the seats. That’s about a thousand-dollar project.

So. Two grand and two long weekends to make it right for me. What about the fellow who owns it now? Is it right for him? I’m less sanguine about that. His wife, who seems like a nice lady and who has given him a child, doesn’t like the Avenger. In my world, it’s perfectly legitimate to enrage one’s wife for a vehicle that really turns your proverbial crank, like a Suzuki SV1000 or Lexus LS430, just to name two completely random examples. It’s less advisable to enrage one’s wife for an old Honda GL1200 or Lexus ES300², just to provide two more chosen-from-the-air vehicles.

By getting rid of the Avenger, our reader could build up some goodwill with his spouse, to be used against the day his real dream car becomes available. “But… darling… of course you want me to have this Lamborghini Jalpa! Don’t you remember when I got rid of that Avenger… for you? I loved that car! How much do I have to suffer, just because you want to eat two square meals every day?” The intelligent and successful husband lays these obvious favors into the furrows of time like a farmer thoughtfully rotating his crops towards self-sufficiency in the years after the Purge happens.

(This is why I got rid of my GL1200, by the way; because the day is not long from now when I shall want a Proper Touring Motorcycle to sit in that space.)

Therefore, I recommend that the Avenger be dispensed with. What’s it worth? Readers, offer your opinions, bid, or trades in the comments. I’ll start the bidding: Assuming the logistics aren’t impossible, I would be delighted to replace this Avenger in the reader’s driveway with… a Heritage Patriot amp by Paul Cochrane. I suspect some of you can do better. Much better. These are fast, economical, spacious, and tidy cars that can be driven or parked anywhere without generating agitation, envy, or the wrong kind of attention. If you squint your eyes a bit, it looks like the kind of Charger that Keanu drives in Street Kings. Think about it.

1. I assume he means during a period of the car’s reliability, but I’m going to use that phrase in the future: “Yes, I know I told you I would stop drinking, but that was during a period of reliability… which has now expired.”

2. Around my house, this car is colloquially known as “that piece of SHIT!” by various spouses and children. I do not co-sign this.