Klockau Takes Over Tesla

Hope you didn't want an electric car!

No one ever would have predicted it. But with the bonanza of sales from Klockau’s previous acquisitions of Chrysler, Ford and GM, subsequent elimination of all electric models except the Lyriq (Tom, somehow, had a soft spot for them so let them live), and America’s newfound love of large luxury and new wood-sided station wagons (the rear seat, optional ejector seat was terrifically popular, both for dealing with kids and mothers-in-law), there was a surplus of cash.

Aided by fellow Brougham fan and longtime friend Jayson Coombes, they arrived at Tesla HQ in a chauffeured navy blue 2026 Fleetwood Seventy-Five. They were meeting with Elon at 1 PM.

“Excellent Smithers!” declared Tom as he stepped out of the Caddy with Jayson. He was holding a gin and tonic with a lime wedge and was sporting a matching lime green golf shirt, off-white slacks and a houndstooth sport coat.

“I’m not Smithers, Tom. Perhaps leave the G&T in the car? You already had two just between the airport and here.” “Ah yes, perhaps a good idea. But remind me to ask Elon for an Old Fashioned when after we break the ice.”

Elon was a bit cool but cordial. But it was a surprise to him. However he had decided he could always use some more vacation time, and after a couple tense weeks, had agreed to the sale. “How’s it going Elon! Have you given any thought to visiting Wisconsin once you get all your free time? It’s the supper club standard of the world you know!”

“Thank you for the suggestion Tom, but I kind of have other plans. However, I do think the employees are enjoying your changing the company cafeteria into an exact replica of The Cellar supper club. You wouldn’t believe how many Brandy Old Fashioneds they’re consuming!”

“Ah, good to know. Anyway, as you likely guessed from my work at Holden and GM, we’ll still be making cars, and they will still be called Teslas. But I’m giving them my own special twist…”

“First off, all Teslas, except for a Model S coupe, sedan and four-door hardtop, will be getting V8s. 500 hp and 500 ft-lb of torque. We’re also going to do a four-door convertible, but with two door styling. I’m going to call it the Solaire. And all new Teslas will be available with Colonial Yellow, Light Sage Green, Midnight Blue, Solar White and Really Red leather interiors. White, gray and silver will be available, but for $5000 extra. All the Firemist and Diamond Fire colors, including Terra Cotta and Firethorn, are no charge.”

“Whitewalls, both in wide and pinstripe styles, will be optional. In fact, the techs are right now working on an exact reproduction of the classic Royal Seal gold-and-white tires you used to be able to get on 1990 to 1992 Cadillac Broughams.”

“Naturally, there will be a d’Elegance package with much more traditional styling. One is being built for me as we speak. They said it should be ready Thursday.”

“The Colonial Yellow versions, with matching interior and opera lamps on the C-pillars, will be the limited Klockau Edition. It comes with a minibar in the back seat with all the necessary spirits and accouterments to make an Old Fashioned, a gin and tonic, and there is an intercom to yell at Smithers if you get low on lime rickeys.”

“It will be available as a convertible, coupe or four door hardtop. Anyway, there’s lots to do. Feel free to keep your office, I’m having a new one with a putting green and wood paneling built in the old gym down the hall. The employees don’t care about it anymore since they’ve discovered the supper club cafeteria. You’ve never seen so many Californians snork up filets and lobster tails.”

“Well it seems you have your plan all mapped out,” Elon replied. “I think I will get out of your hair. Good day!”

As he left the office, Tom turned to Jayson and said, “Excellent Smithers! Another lime rickey!”

“I’m still not Smithers, Tom!” said Jayson. But I think we can head over to the Tesla Supper Club Cafeteria for some surf and turf, I’m sure you can find a drink there too.”

“Excellent!” Tom said as he rubbed his hands together in glee. “Let’s go!”