Fiction: Klockau Takes Over GM

Smithers, another gin and tonic!

Once upon a time in America, worthwhile, compelling, attractive vehicles were made. What if we could bring that back?

“Welcome sir!” said the GM liason who met myself and my friend Jayson at City Airport in a gleaming new Escalade. “We’ve all been very excited about your arrival, a little nervous too, but let’s get you to HQ!”

About that…

Who’d have ever guessed an Illinois insurance company started by my grandfather grew so much over the past dozen years, that it was able to stage a corporate takeover of General Motors? I still couldn’t believe it myself. But I was rolling with it nicely.

“Smithers! Another gin and tonic!” My friend, Jayson, who had flown up from DFW to witness this mayhem first hand (he actually was willing to pay to witness the craziness first hand, but I told him that was nonsense), took a long pause and said, “I think you had enough G&Ts at The Cellar last night, along with your surf and turf, before we got on the plane. And my name isn’t Smithers.”

“Haha, oops. Well, black coffee then!” It was interesting to see spots of life in Detroit on the ride from the terminal. Sure, it was rough here, there, and everywhere, but the crazy desolation from 1999-2005 or so was not in evidence. For rot like that you had to go to SF. But I digress!

In short order we arrived in the executive suite, and, coffee cup in hand, I asked for the current lay of the land.

“Well sir, we have a fantastic array of electric vehicles coming out to compete with Tesla! There are 64 crossover variants, and the best of all, the Cadillac EV Why Me, comes in SEVEN shades of silver!”

“It’s dead.”

“What?”

“It’s dead. Kill all electric vehicles, immediately. If some can be reverse engineered to have a Blackwing V8 shoehorned into it, do so. The rest can be fired out of a giant cannon into the sun.”

“But sir…”

“I have spoken! Smithers, another lime rickey!”

Jayson: “I’m not Smithers.”

“Oh, oops again. Also, we are bringing back the Fleetwood Brougham. Go to the Arlington factory. Take as many designers and engineers as you need. See if any of the stamping dies for the final ‘96 Fleetwoods are still in storage. If not, find the nicest 1996 Fleetwood Brougham in existence and use it as a template.”

“Then put the Blackwing V8 back in production. Gentlemen, we are going to have a new flagship. It’s going to look just like a 1996 Fleetwood Brougham, but it will have available AWD, a V version, and all modern accouterments—GPS, heated/cooled/massaging seats, parking sensors, Bluetooth, Sirius, the whole nine yards.”

“Oh, and we’re bringing back the Caprice too. Police, taxi and LS versions, plus an LS Brougham version. V8 or hybrid V8 versions. And the Camaro is not cancelled.”

“We’re also bringing back the final gen front-engined Corvette. The current rear engined car may continue as usual, but it’s being renamed Fiero. And get to work on Firebirds and Trans Am GTA versions of the current Camaro, to be sold through GMC-Buick dealers.”

“And the Blazer is dead too, because I hate it.”

“And who approved all the EVs? Let them know they’re fired.”

“Now what’s for lunch?”