ACFiction: Klockau Takes Over Porsche

Smithers, fire the 'influencer' freeloaders!

It had been a busy year. Thanks to Smithers, er, I mean my friend Jayson, a bunch of money and continuous gin and tonic consumption—with surf and turf, of course!—I had returned the Pontiac Fiero to showrooms, restored the front engined Corvette, brought back Town Cars, Caprice Estates, and ended production of many, many stupid electric vehicles. It was grand.

Dad’s first 1960 Roadster, circa 1972. My Grandpa Bob’s ‘72 Continental Mark IV and Grandma Ruby’s ‘65 Thunderbird convertible are in the garage.

So what next? Well, I grew up with Volvos and Porsches. My folks had myriad 240 and 740 sedans and wagons as daily transportation, while Dad always had at least one old classic 356 in the garage. So I decided with much Broughamage restored, it was time to cure Porsche of its self-indulgent foolishness.

Porsche: What should it mean? Sports cars of course. And that was the case until, oh, let’s be generous and say 2012. Then a lot of stupid stuff commenced. And was continuing. Oh, we were going to put a stop to that!

“Smithers, another lobster and filet! And a fresh gin and tonic!” “Yeah, Tom, I told you before the Smithers thing was getting old, can we move on?” Jayson had been helping me throughout the year with my removing idiocy from the car companies, just for the sheer entertainment value. But sometimes I got a little too far into my C. Montgomery Burns schtick, especially after several lobster tails and G&Ts.

“Oops! My mistake. And never mind, we have to meet the Porsche liaison in a half hour.” Actually, it was supposed to have been an hour earlier, but he got a F-150 Lightning as a rental, it had died three miles from the airport, and he was now being driven to The Cellar by a kindly retired cowboy in a 1985 Dodge Ram pickup. So by now we’d finished our entrees, and were on our second cup of coffee, waiting. Such is the joy and futuristic awesomeness of electric vehicles…

In due course he arrived, and I told him to present his case. “OK, so before I make any changes, let’s hear it. What is Porsche doing to bring back its core competence?”

“Well sir, we’ve just paid thirteen million dollars to the influencer, Baron Von Selfie. We put him up in the Four Seasons with unlimited shrimp and three different Porsche Electrics to enjoy!”

“Why?”

“Well, he’s just great! He has 22 million followers for some reason, and doesn’t seem to do anything of value. We were lucky to get him! Oh, and this is top secret, but we’re coming out early next year with an amazing new model! Its the 911 APFP!”

“And what in the heck is that,” I asked, sipping black coffee.

“Oh you’re just going to love it, sir! It is the 911 Affluent Phony Fat Person Edition! Only $49,999 more than a base 911. Special features include both bucket seats ripped out, and replaced with a giant single driver’s seat! There is also an exclusive Big Gulp-sized cup holder, and a monogrammed APFP jumpsuit and helmet! It is all electric, too! Just magnificent!”

“Oh, and the BEST part! We have a chrome “SW” insignia on the steering wheel, because, you see, the 911 APFP Edition has a steering wheel!” He pushed back from our table, in seeming satisfaction.

I paused, glancing at Jayson. He rolled his eyes and tried to not laugh. He knew what my response was going to be. He’d learned. When I was telling the Fiat liaison how we were going to fix Chrysler, he’d laughed so hard he’d shot a shrimp out of a tear duct.

“Well, it’s dead. I know you’ve been courting the obese fake race driver clientele for several years, but that’s ending. We’re also ending the cash siphon to unemployed people gorging on free four star hotels and shrimp.”

“Starting tomorrow, all Porsche electric models are dead. Remaining inventory will be shot out of the Giant Sun Firing Cannon into, you know, the sun. So will the influencers. Tell them they’re going on a free ride to an all-you-can-eat shrimp restaurant, that should work.”

“Also, who was the fool who put an “MT” logo on manual equipped 911s? Fire him, but have security beat him up first.”

“Tomorrow we are offering only 911s. And all will either be gas powered or a hybrid. We’re also going to do a retro 356 model, available in Roadster, Speedster and coupe models. Red, green and blue interiors will be offered. And all will be designed for maximum attractiveness and speed. No more catering to large wannabes. If they can’t fit in a 911, they just better go to Jenny Craig until they can.”

“If you want to keep any of the Porsche SUV models, you can, but put Audi or VW badges on them—they were 90% there anyway.”

“Now, how about some cake with this coffee?”