Klockau takes over, Part The Second - Visiting Oz
After thoroughly decimating the combover and stupid electric car quotient at GM HQ in Detroit, it was time (after a fine prime rib dinner the night before) to jet over to set things right, after ten years of idiocy, at Holden.
“But sir, Holden is gone! We ended production four years ago, there’s nothing left!” “Ha!” I replied, squeezing the lime wedge into my G&T on the Gulfstream, brought by the pretty flight attendant. “Never Say Never Again is NOT just the name of an excellent James Bond movie! What happened to the administration building and factory?”
“It’s a combined Walmart, IKEA and That’s not a knife, THAT’S a knife sporting goods store, sir.”
“Well, let’s take all the money we saved by killing every single electric car that wasn’t selling and that we were getting royally hosed on on every sale, and write them a giant check, and revamp it! The Statesman Caprice and DeVille are coming back. The only available engine will be the Blackwing V8. Color keyed wheel covers, optional Cayman Grain vinyl roof, and lambswool broadcloth, leather, or crushed, tufted velour will be the three interior choices."
“But wait! There’s even more! Muscle cars are coming back too. Can you guess the basics?”
“Well sir, I’m guessing stripes, Rally wheels, trim rings, and the Blackwing V8 are involved…”
“Indeed! See, this is why I kept you on, you’re sharp as a tack. Also, you don’t own an electric car.”
“Well sir, confidentially, they really sucked, I just never could have said it out loud before your company bought us out.”
“Indeed? Well, no worries, all that hideous, stupid crap is in the past! Now where was I? Smithers, another gin and tonic!”
Jayson: “I’m still not Smithers, and you’ve had three since we departed City Airport in Detroit. I think maybe a Sprite would be better…”
“Nah, but point taken. Stewardess, a tonic with a lime twist, if you please! OK, so we’ve got the Broughamage taken care of, now for the sporting folks. The Monaro and Commodore are back too. Colors will be all bright and excellent: red, orange, lime green, yellow and hot purple! We CAN offer it in silver silvermist, but if some damfool wants it, it’s a $5000 surcharge. All the colors that are actual colors are no charge.”
“And furthermore—pay close attention!—these are all going to be rear wheel drive. All wheel drive will be an option, but there will be NO front drive cars. And NO electrics! And NO combovers, for Pete’s sake. The fat people are just going to have to buy CR-Vs. But there will be coupes (pillared and pillarless hardtops), convertibles (in Brougham and GTS trim, and an extra special BROUGHAM GTS CONVERTIBLE, available only in pearl white with red stripes and red leather interior with birch wood accents), station wagons, and utes of course!”
“Also, we’re getting Paul Hogan as a spokesman. Once everything is up and running, send him a Brougham GTS convertible with my compliments.”
“Now what’s for lunch?”
They should also make you the prime minister! The prime RIB minister!
"That’s not a knife, THAT’S a knife sporting goods store"
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