102 Comments
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S2kChris's avatar

The line about women and five star hotels is gold, and hits very very close to home.

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Mr. Ed's avatar

Speaking from personal experience, I think it hits very close to home for most married men.

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Colin's avatar

My wife keeps asking when we're going to have our honeymoon on Lanai.

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Mr. Ed's avatar

Here in the free state of Florida, the back porch is the lanai…in your shoes, I’d invite her to the lana post haste and call it a day. 🤪🤣

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Colin's avatar

Yeah that’s way cheaper than Larry’s pet project.

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Erik's avatar

I read your latest, Jack, with an almost sickening feeling of jealousy. No, not for your country life or the cats. But, dammit, what a great writer you are. That was one of your best.

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Speed's avatar

emotional rollercoaster to poorly utilize and borrow a well worn phrase but like most of your non car posts is full of insights that make me ruminate on thing and life and whatnot

i love cats but i kinda hope you arent going to give them out as gifts at the next fp meet seeing as youve got so many

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I'm not gonna do that, it would be ridiculous.

Instead, I'll MAIL THEM TO YOU ahead of the meeting!

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Ice Age's avatar

Dad, this box is meowing.

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Mr. Ed's avatar

She wrapped up her damn cat!

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sgeffe's avatar

And later, after it chomps on the light wire:

“If he had nine lives, he just used them up!”—Cousin Eddie!

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Sobro's avatar

Mine is partial to slick USB cables. The faux cloth wrapped cables are safe from the hole puncher. Crinkly plastic is never safe and Ziplocs are airtight only when protected.

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Alan's avatar

Is this the airport, Clark?

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Mr. Ed's avatar

I love riding in cars!

My 20 y/o daughter does an amazing Aunt Bethany impression...the running joke is that Aunt Bethany is her spirit animal. 🤣

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Speed's avatar

i tried to convince my mother to take one but she wouldnt have it and said she would prefer to buy local and have it chipped/spayed/neutered/rustproofed/whatever

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Ice Age's avatar

Undercoated, too?

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Speed's avatar

dealer installed extras as well

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sgeffe's avatar

Tru-Cat!

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sgeffe's avatar

Should have said “Tru-Katt!”

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

Until you open it, the cat may be either alive or dead

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Speed's avatar

if you ship it by fedex you can eliminate one of those possibilities

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unsafe release's avatar

Ok Schrödinger

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Hex168's avatar

https://xkcd.com/325/

Edited to add the most important part, which I initially left out because so many beat me to it: Jack, you are an extraordinary writer. Thanks!

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sgeffe's avatar

This one’s dripping green stuff.

It’s her Jell-O mold! Take it in the kitchen!

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

Beautiful. If you know barn cats, you understand. I grew up with them. My mom still has a few. They come and go, some are friendly, some are not. She currently has two litters. Last year's litter was five kittens, two boys and three girls. Their mother disappeared when they were old enough to survive, but still in need of some hand feeding. So they are extra friendly. I brought the solid gray boy home, made him a house cat. He had already claimed me as his person. Now he spends his evenings on my lap. His brother comes and goes, but is in a bit of a pissing match with a year-older half brother over who runs the place. The three girls all made it through the winter, one has now disappeared, but the other two each have a litter of kittens -- seven in total. And so the cycle starts again. I've been through so, so many cycles of kittens. There is no recalling all of them, but the special ones are unforgettable. Something different about them than housecats. Both admirable in their own way. The barn cats though -- they don't need you. They choose you. For convenience or kindness, or both. The neighbors feed cats too, and the fields are full of things to hunt. But they hang around. Ask you for affection. Return it. Each year they get a string of names -- usually some thing from pop culture, or something silly. Half of them end up with a goofy nickname. Half end up just being called kitty. If you've never experienced a few years of the barn cat cycle, it seems cruel, capricious, uncaring. Once you understand, you understand.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

"Half end up just being called kitty. If you've never experienced a few years of the barn cat cycle, it seems cruel, capricious, uncaring. Once you understand, you understand."

I keep reminding myself that they have a right to live as they were intended to -- and while I've heard plenty of PETA types say that domestic cats are bred to be domestic, that's a willful misreading of the way cats and men lived together until the 20th century. These ferals are "domestic" in the 1850 sense of returning to one or more homes periodically.

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

In the agrarian sense, an animal with no economic purpose, no job was just an extra mouth to feed with typically-limited food resources. Domestic cats existed for a specific job -- keeping rodents out of grain storage, or at least minimizing the loss. While you may not be storing grain in your barn, there are plenty of things for rodents to chew up, and your cats still fulfill their duty.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Hugely so, actually. Radicals are known for attracting rodents with their cheap-ass British Standard wiring... but I haven't seen a live mouse in the race barn since Mama Kitty moved in. I can feed this posse for a year on what it would cost me to replace the engine harness.

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

MGs suffer from that same affliction PLUS Lucas electronics. I feel your pain.

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Scott A's avatar

I never had mice when I had ferrets and I'm tempted to get a cat just to keep them out of my pantry in the winter.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Could easily deliver one to you!

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Scott A's avatar

I think there will be one in the future but not for a few years. I'm a softy so I'm sure my daughters will sucker me into some animal we don't need

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Fat Baby Driver's avatar

I get flack from friends and neighbors because my cats come and go as they please in my suburban neighborhood. What value is a life of safe confinement to an apex predator? Two of mine are about to have their 10th birthday regardless. They have unlimited access to the world through a kitty door, but spend more time at home as they've aged.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Good for them -- and that's an outstanding bit of longevity, I hope my boy accomplishes the same.

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Fat Baby Driver's avatar

I suspect it's because, much like their caretaker, they are simply too fat to get into much trouble.

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Scott A's avatar

How do you get your cat to be an outdoor cat? Once they're big enough you just let them out the front door and they'll leave and comeback? Is it that easy.

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Fat Baby Driver's avatar

More or less, yes. I keep new arrivals in the house for at least a month usually. Once they've internalized that's where the easy food is, they usually keep coming back. The older they are when the process starts, the longer it takes. My most recent arrival, a pure white albino male, was 6 months old when I was finally able to stuff him into a carrier to treat his wounds and get him fixed. He ran away at the first opportunity and I didn't see him for two weeks. After another 6 months, he sits in my lap on the couch every night and almost never leaves the yard.

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Richard Clarke's avatar

This is awesome. What a great bunch of kitties, and great photographs as well.

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snavehtrebor's avatar

I really enjoy the Dispatches From Kittycat Ranch. My cats were always outside cats, downright distrustful of the indoors. It certainly shortened their lives, but every time I saw one carefully bring me a still-flapping swallowtail or get up on the roof and meow until I reminded them they could climb down on their own, it made it worthwhile.

Cats are women. Men are dogs. Discuss.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

There's a lot to be said along those lines, especially in terms of social behavior and hierarchy. In my experience, the more strongly you're brought up in the Western/Heritage-American tradition, the more you feel like a dog: a part of a working pack, doing something more important than you, but also obliged to show deference.

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Ice Age's avatar

Cats are sleek and beautiful, but go feral in short order.

Men big on heirarchy and kind of filthy but loyal to their boys.

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snavehtrebor's avatar

All true. I would add that cats/women are more graceful, more aloof, more independent, unobtainable and unknowable. Dogs/men are more naive, more loyal, more possessive, and more dependent. I think about things like this when you compare, say, the Miss USA pageant to a rugby match. Jack has written eloquently on the subject of the feminisation of the Western male and it's no accident that women who are willing to act more like a canine are instantly turned out by their own.

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Ice Age's avatar

Reminds me of the cat we had when I was a kid.

Felix.

We got him as a kitten from a friend of my sister. He ripped three bloody gashes in our black lab Chip's nose just after we let him out of the cardboard box he came home in, then proceeded to chase him around the house. They became close friends in short order.

Felix had the bearing of a stereotypical British admiral: Dignified, calm and would eventually mess you up if you didn't stop playing the fool in his presence. Somehow, that dignity didn't extend to NOT provoking Chip to chase him behind the Christmas tree, knocking it over.

15 pounds of "Feed me and cuddle with me."

He's been gone 30 years and I still miss him.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Odd how some animals resonate in our hearts so much more than do some people. Their souls seem larger to us.

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Ice Age's avatar

So true.

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snavehtrebor's avatar

Kudos to you, sir, for naming your cat such an excellent name for a cat. I had a gray cat named Smokey as a kid and have met easily a dozen other people who had the same bright idea when they were 8. The others were Tigger (soooo original!) and Elvis (a little better, but not by much).

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Ice Age's avatar

Elvis is good.

My dad named him. Said it was actually the fourth cat he'd owned named "Felix." Ours didn't have a bag of tricks, though.

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-Nate's avatar

My Canine sire is named 'Elvis', the rescue place gave him that name and he responded to it so I left it .

-Nate

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CLN's avatar

Probably because we can’t reason with them as we can with other men, so we have to take them as they are.

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Jeff Winks's avatar

Ah cat colony life! It’s fun and sometimes heartbreaking.

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MaintenanceCosts's avatar

I would happily read a Robert Caro-length epic about this colony. Great stuff.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

I can think of at least six more stories to tell, so buckle up...

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NoID's avatar

Have you looked into elastrating these cats on your own?

Yes, it's what it sounds like. Yes, I feel a little something akin to discomfort whenever I think about it.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

While I neuter the male cats every chance I can get, it's not really the priority, because one of these fellows can get multiple girls pregnant... as you'll see in a future instalment of "Cat Tales".

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Fat Baby Driver's avatar

Simply outstanding, it moved my heart to read it.

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Ronnie Schreiber's avatar

Cats are okay. Edna (named after Bob Seger's Evil Edna) was a wonderful calico that lived 18 years.

Dogs are better.

As the son of a veterinarian, I don't really know what it's like to pay veterinary bills, but I'm glad people pay them.

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Tyler Gorsegner's avatar

Its painful. But less painful than doing otherwise.

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Speed's avatar

one hurts the pocketbook

the other hurts the soul

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Sam's avatar

As a somewhat willing participant in a 24 month lymphoma treatment program for my wives first dog that she raised on her own, I can affirmatively say that you have not missed out on anything.

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Dan's avatar

Jack,

Beautifully written. One of our cats was acquired as a barn kitten and even as he approaches 13, has a lot of thag energy you describe in AK.

On a practical note around trapping and neutering cats in your barn colony, the dude who runs the flatbushcats Instagram account will often keep ferals in covered traps when transporting to neuter appointments.

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Christo's avatar

I once volunteered at a TNR operation and this is standard practice. The trappers know how much the traps weigh. The vet techs can then weigh the cat in the cage and subtract the tare weight to know how much sedative to safely give them. Then it's a matter of holding the trap on its end and injecting the cat through the bars of cage.

The cat is out cold before they're even being handled by anyone.

The cat gets spayed/neutered, ear tipped, groomed, de-flea'd, de-wormed, and put back into their cage before they wake up.

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Henry C.'s avatar

This will be a popular segment, no doubt.

That litter almost mirrors one we are adopting from. Tiger Dad must get around.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Real recognize real, as the saying goes!

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Wulfgar's avatar

Heartfelt tribute, thank you. I've had a long history with cats, both of the house variety as well as the farm, and have grown to appreciate their code of living. It can be both beautiful and brutal as life for most of our clans likely was prior to the safe spaces and "civilized" society the modern world has wraught. I don't currently have feline side kick as there is an alleged allergy in my current domestic situation but I see that changing in the near future.

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Jack Baruth's avatar

Test the allergy by leaving SECRET CAT FUR in the bed!

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zog's avatar

I just read about a bunch of fucking barn cats?? And couldn't stop. Damn you Jack. Great writing.

It's a weird paradigm: we see animals as cute & cuddly companions, but naturally they're all out there killing each other trying to survive. Luckily we're not part of the food chain. Mostly. Tics, bears, sharks, mosquitos...

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