Ask Jack: Schrodinger's Kitty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9F5xcpjDMU

Welcome to a feature that is brand-new here at Riverside Green, titled "Ask Jack". As with the TTAC series of the same name, I will be dispensing invaluable (or perhaps valueless) life advice to my treasured readers --- but over here the questions will not necessarily be auto-related --- JB

When does a quantum system stop existing as a superposition of states and become one or the other? That's what we learn about Schrodinger's Cat from noted physicist and science authority, Wiki Pedia. Here's an explanation from an English major, namely moi: There are some things down in the building blocks of the universe that don't make "decisions" until they are observed from the outside. Human beings do this all the time: you aren't really sure if you're going to go to the party until your friend actually texts you and asks if you're leaving the house, at which point you make a decision. Particles do that, too. Now here's the noodle-baking part: your brain is thought to rely on quantum mechanisms for consciousness. Which means that your decision to go to the party, or to do anything else, is simply a bunch of Schrodinger's Cats adding up to a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Quantum computers work kind of the same way: they can hold all possible answers to a question in a "waveform" that "collapses" to one answer. If you've ever dated several women at one time, you know that your life consists of a waveform that collapses to a single (or, sometimes, pair of) sex partner(s) depending on the external factors. You need a date for Friday night --- it could be any of them. But Girl A is sick and Girl B is being fussy and Girl C just finished doing the whole P90X program so the waveform collapses into one answer which is Girl C.

Today's episode of "Ask Jack" comes from a fellow who wants to collapse that superposition of states and permanently date one woman or the other.

Andy writes:

Hi Jack, . I've been a loyal reader for years and always prioritize your articles. I have owned several cars: (list edited to avoid doxxing) But I'm not here to talk to you about vehicles, rather your other area of expertise. . I am in a bit of a conundrum regarding two latina women who are very much interested in me, and I them. I'm 35, single, work in tech consulting, drink socially+, and never married with no kids. But I am over the multiple woman lifestyle. So honestly I think I should decide on one of them. Lets call the two Tequila McImplants and Pepper McBigButt. Based on my scoring sheet, they both add up similarly. I don't know how to decide. . My male friends have always been the serial monogamy type and are not much use for advice. And I wont ask women for advice because they will just tell me what they think they want, not what they actually do want. . Breakdown: . Tequila McImplants: Pros: Super hot body and face, like celebrity hot. Financially successful, MS degree, no dietary restrictions, no dog, wants kids, similar job schedule and easy-ish to relate to. Cons: Age 37, ...curious past (worked in promotions and "knows" several celebrities), no nonsense and potentially a flight risk as she pursues hypergamy, Age 37, mild wrinkles that could exacerbate, bad relationship with divorced dad and mom. And again, Age 37. . Pepper McBigButt Pros: Age 26, easier to impress, relatively good family life, likely less checkered past (though you never know), Age 26 Cons: Just on the edge of being thick vs overweight. Things don't get easier as you approach 30. Has a dog. Doesn't want kids, dietary restrictions, doesn't drink, still finishing a degree. . Feel free to post this in TTAC and relate the women to cars. Or not. Either way I hope you can help. . How do you make your decisions?

Let's begin by stating the obvious, Andy: you're already doing so much better than the majority of American men, who are either hopelessly alone or browsing Reddit one-handed in bed while their wives snore with enough force to raise a small volcano of cake frosting from their lips with each 1812-style grapeshot exhalation. But then again, I'm not surprised. If you can pull one pretty lady nowadays, you can almost certainly pull more than one. Welcome to $THE_CURRENT_YEAR, which is literally Surf City for most men with a testosterone level above that of a toddler. It's certainly that way in colleges, which are now sixty percent female. Think about that. 1.5 girls for every boy --- but many of those boys like other boys and the bulk of the remainder can't be separated from their XBoxen with a breacher bar. So it's really more like 3 girls for every boy.

Like St. Paul, however, you're ready to put away the toys of a child and live the life of a man, monogamously. At 35? Are you sure? If you are, then let's consider the options you've set before me.

This one isn't even close. It has to be Pepper. Why? The answer is simple. From your description, I get the idea that Tequila is much hotter than Pepper. That's true today. It may be true in five years. But you're thinking long-term. In fourteen years, Pepper will be facing forty with some anxiety. Tequila will be over fifty.

Age is a stone-cold bitch. It's hard on men; God knows I don't heal up the way I did at 16, 26, or even 36. It's even tougher on women. Let's put aside all the physical stuff, all the business about The Wall --- you can get that from the Chateau if you want it. I'm talking about emotions. Tequila is going to be far more set in her ways than Pepper is. Okay, so right now Pepper's doing the furbaby business, but she has time to change her mind and she might be amenable to doing so if you both want it. Twenty-six is an age where people are still making choices. At thirty-seven, you are set in your ways.

That applies to women and men, but you can't change your own age and your own situation. You can choose your partner. Also, a nine-year-old gap between husband and wife is pretty reasonable. The most valuable relationships I've had in the past decade or so have been with women born in 1979 and 1981 against my 1971 birthday. The 1990s crowd wants a nightlife pace that I'm unwilling to provide as a middle-aged father; the late-Sixties ladies were too far into their own neuroses and preconceptions to make a relationship work.

Give Pepper a chance to step up to the majors. Maybe talk to her about the difference between a furbaby and a real baby. Create a solid relationship with her family. Go be healthy and happy with her. Dogs don't live forever. Help her keep the weight off by setting a good example yourself --- this is one area where I'm a terrible husband/boyfriend, Danger Girl works out an hour-plus every day while I noodle around on a bicycle, but luckily for me no woman ever loved me for my looks.

Not to get too religious in a column that is basically titled in a way to make a pussy joke, but I think Psalm 127 applies here:

3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.

5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.

You won't fill a quiver by working with a 37-year-old carousel rider. Go be a good husband, but more importantly be a great father.

That's all for this episode of "Ask Jack!"